The arrival of a gigantic, terrifying, carnivorous reptile sent shockwaves throughout campus Monday. The outrageously aggressive, Godzilla-like monstrosity has caused more than 200 deaths in less than a week, greedily devouring nearby pedestrians and setting buildings ablaze with its formidable fire-breath. The creature shows no signs of slowing down or going away, and its presence seems to be on the verge of becoming one more problem students are going to have to deal with on a daily basis.
Fortunately, most University of Kentucky students are already so used to adapting to less-than-perfect situations that the appearance of the monstrous abomination is expected to quickly become a trivial afterthought.
“I’m more than confident that our students can work through this whole debacle in the same way they’ve been able to tackle so many of the other problems on campus,” said UK President Eli Capilouto. “I mean… if you can handle UK’s seemingly never-ending construction, huge introductory level classes, and absurd parking situation, you can easily handle a slightly bigger reptile.”
Capilouto added: “Students have learned to adjust to living in Haggin Hall, for fuck’s sake.”
Most UK students agree with Capilouto’s claims. “I’ve already become accustomed to TA’s that don’t speak English, ridiculous dorm visitation policies, and on-campus food. This isn’t such a big deal. Really,” said freshman K.C. Phallett, a meek but cautiously optimistic Chemistry major.
“At least the lines at Ovid’s don’t take more than half an hour to get through in most cases,” she concluded, sighing despondently, but with a look of hope on her innocent face. “I don’t think I could handle another meal at Commons’ anytime soon.”
Other problems UK students have successfully grown used to include the austere dry campus policy, overzealous bike cops, freezing rains and unforgiving wind during the walk to class, graduation requirements that include the completion of multiple questionably helpful Gen-Ed courses, a pathetic football team, an underperforming basketball team, multiple part-time jobs to pay for continuously increasing tuition rates, closely monitored tailgates, a clique-filled Greek scene, a class registration process which clearly favors upperclassmen, a foot stabber, significant student loan debt, and bleak employment opportunities in today’s job market.
Junior Blake Swaggerty, a casually dressed but slightly despondent 21-year-old living off of Waller Avenue, said, “Thankfully I’m out of the dorms now so at least I can smoke weed in my room without getting busted by the UKPD. It makes conforming to the situation easier than it would be otherwise. Clearly this dinosaur-like thing is gonna be another hurdle to overcome, and that’s unfortunate. But what are you gonna do about it? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from coming to UK, it’s that you sorta have to roll with the punches.”
As the raging, skyscraper-tall beast continues to rampage across campus, employers around Kentucky are preparing for the next batch of battle-hardened UK graduates.
David C. Novak, chairman and president of Yum! Brands, one of the largest employers in Kentucky, was excited to speak to The Colonel about his optimism regarding the new batch of Wildcat recruits.
“If there’s one thing that UK does properly,” said Novak, “it’s teaching students valuable real-life lessons. Life sucks. But it’s both easier and smarter to adapt to your situation than it is to actually try and change the circumstances.”
With an amiable smile and a twinkle in his eye, Novak concluded: “These students are the exact type of people that business executives around the country are looking for right now— people that can adapt to the work environment and not ask too many questions about policies or man-eating leviathans.”
As of press time, UK administration was preparing to unveil flame-resistant, stomp-proof ponchos to students at the Bookstore at a discounted rate.
By Kevin Elpenor