The Naked Roommate Issue

You open the door to your living quarters and see your roommate is reclining butt-naked on your favorite chair, clipping their toenails. You apologize for walking in on them at such an embarrassing and intimate moment. This incident does not upset them in the slightest. It wasn’t an intrusion of privacy in their eyes! They invite you to sit down and watch some Homeland. You, my friend, have a case of The Naked Roommate.

We’ve all been warned about the naked roommate. There is even a book addressing this issue. Did we really believe this myth? Every day they put you through the test of stomaching their junk. It’s like living with a fat Prince Harry. Just because they like showing all doesn’t mean you like to see it all…

Obviously, you’re not thrilled about seeing their goodies constantly on display. So, what are you to do? You can’t casually say, “Hey, do you mind covering your tatas?” Nah, that isn’t classy! That would just embarrass you both. Here are some classy ways to get your roommate to conceal their packages:

• Freeze them out. Crank the temperature down to 50. Things will get chilly and your roommate will have no choice but to put some layers on. If they ask why it’s so cold, just tell them you want the heating and cooling bill to go down this month.
• Bring religion to their attention. Alter your religion’s belief and tell them, “Look, it’s against my religion to see another man’s tool.” And if they argue that you’re Southern Baptist, shrug and state that you have Freedom of Religion.
• Create some statistics. Casually tell them, “Did you know people who wear a shirt and jeans all day are more likely to date a celebrity?!” or “Did you know people who wear clothes more than 50 percent of the day are most likely to get the iPhone 6?!”
• Get them to partake in pastime activities like knitting or playing the guitar. These simple recreations will more-or-less cover something up.

By Currer Bell