1. They go together well with sex.
2. They provide a good occasion for the Harbaugh brothers to get together and shout at each other.
4. Sitting on the couch with your roommates and consuming either for 4 hours and 14 minutes makes for a good time.
5. Sitting on the couch by yourself and consuming either for 4 hours and 14 minutes gets to be slightly depressing.
6. They make you wish you had a little more Beyonce in your life.
7. Whether you’re a Ravens fan or a 49ers fan, they dramatically increase your chances of peeing your pants.
8. Shots of neither would help you remember David Akers’ 36-yard field goal with 3:48 to go in the first quarter.
9. They have almost absolutely nothing to do with Jeff Goldblum.
10. If I had contemplated becoming a pirate at the beginning of the semester, I would have first made sure that I had access to both.
By Jeff Lipscomb