Aries (March 21 – April 19)
There are two ways out of your current predicament, and both involve purchasing a labradoodle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your decision to attend a major public school in the South will be reaffirmed as you drunkedly jam out to Wagon Wheel along with the rest of Cane’s.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stalking your ex-girlfriend’s Facebook profile almost never leads to emotional satisfaction, but then again, neither does binge drinking. Take the road less travelled.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a large cake baked for you and delivered to your house by a person who cares about you much. Your roommate Fred will eat most of it while you’re still in class.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember to take care of holiday shopping early; Martin Luther King Jr. Day is approaching quicker than you’d think.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The stars aren’t sure exactly when, but at some point this week, you will experience an orgasm of epic proportions.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
For once in your life, you will stand up for what you believe in. Before you do it, make sure there aren’t any sharp objects floating precariously close to your head.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be curious to figure out what the word opprobrium means.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Thousands of years ago, a group of all-enlightened mystics prophesied that a mighty Sagittarius would one day escape the shackles of routine. It’s the girl sitting next to you in geography.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you, except for when your mom calls you a fuckface later this week.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Don’t worry about the dishes; one of your roommates will probably take care of them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will have a dream that you inherit a Ferrari from your rich step-uncle in Denver, but you will not have much time to enjoy it, as your deep-rooted fear of success will come crashing down on your front fender.