After a hard-fought battle, the Jerusalem Jaguars defeated the Gaza Patriots earlier tonight, beating them 27-20 and crushing their hopes of finally prevailing in the heated rivalry.
Despite a fair amount of success for the Patriots on the offensive end, the Jaguars’ staunch defense proved enough to win it in the end. The Jaguars used the 3-4, a few exotic blitzes, and their patented Iron Dome formation to thwart a crucial series of Patriots offensives and ultimately come out victorious.
The Jaguars started off taking the lead after a couple of early hits through the air, one a long-range touchdown strike caught by receiver Cecil Palestinian-Cabinet-Building III.
Following these aerial successes, Jerusalem stuck with a Smash-mouth ground game, exploiting a battered defensive, as a concerning number of Gaza Patriots went down with injuries. The Jags also took advantage of the fact that this Patriots team hasn’t had any safety (strong or weak) since 2006.
The Patriots also had several fruitful series, with quarterback Khaled Brady working out of the pistol, shotgun, and grenade launcher formations of Gaza’s quick-strike West Bank Offense. They looked to get back in the game after Brady launched a 57-yard missile for a touchdown early in the third quarter.
Jaguars quarterback Ehud Gabbert responded with his own rocket-arm, only for his bomb of a pass to be dropped deep in Patriots territory. However, this only galvanized the Jags offense, as they went on to dominate the rest of the game. In fact, it seemed out of reach until a few seconds left before time when the Pats recovered an onside kick.
But the Jags held on, intercepting Brady’s last-gasp Praise Allah attempt.
Patriots coach Mike Shanahamas was infuriated by a “blatant lack of fair play by the Jaguars” and expressed dissatisfaction with refereeing decisions made by the officiating crew led by Ed Hochuli-ki-moon.
Hochili-ki-moon and the rest of the UNFL officials succeeded in keeping the game clean early, calling a few personal fouls and neutral zone infractions. However, they let the contest get out of hand, failing to call unsportsmanlike conduct numerous times on Jerusalem players and coaching staff alike.
Jaguars head coach Ken Whisenhuntanyahu, who made the majority of the calls on offense, was seen belligerently battering the opposing team with provocative euphemisms throughout the game. When asked about it during the press conference, he responded that was he satisfied with the performance, claiming, “we fucking killed them out there,” and adding, “this was a methodical demolition. We destroyed them. Did you see that? It’s been kind of a theme for us in this rivalry: being in a good position and not finishing. But this time, the Patriots got fucking rocked.”
“I really, really hate them,” he concluded.
Whisenhuntanyahu also politely thanked the officiating crew, surmising that he respects their support “just as much as (he) would respect any impending bullshit sanctions” from the United Nations Football League for his disorderly conduct.
Investigative journalists raised questions after the game about the value of a sport that causes so many injuries and offers so little in return except for bragging rights but they were inadvertently killed by a drone strike meant to take out the Patriots’ star tight end before they could publicize the responses to the general public.