Colonel contributor Atanas Golev has been struggling to come up with a quality feature article.
Sources close to Golev claimed that the aspiring satirist has been experiencing a bout of writers’ block spanning approximately 40 minutes now. According to the sources, Golev has been sitting at a table at Willy T for that span of time, nervously shaking his legs and procrastinating by spending short amounts of time on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, ESPN, Gmail, and Pinterest.
Bonnie Hance, a close friend of Golev, said that he was at first considering writing an article titled “Gray Goose Killed In Unfortunate Misundertanding,” whose plotline would have entailed that a drunk UK student had literally killed a gray goose after one of his friends suggested to him that he should “kill that Gray Goose,” a phrase, of course, referring to the expensive vodka.
Hance suggested that other titles mulled over by Golev have included “Contrarian Sophomore Can Believe It’s Not Butter,” “Rookie Left-Wing Activist Falls Off Plane,” and “LexTran Teleportation Department Now Offering Service to Manitoba,” an article which would have poked fun at the lack of competence of Lexington’s public transportation provider. All of these ideas were scrapped, however, when Golev realized that there was no fucking way he could write more than two sentences on any of them.
Other sources at the scene have added that at one point, Golev was even considering writing an article on a metaphysics professor having discovered a scientific area called meta-metaphysics. However, he scratched that after deciding that this was going to be even less funny than his previous plans to suggest that the College of Arts and Sciences and the College of Pharmacy had been combined into an all-encompassing College of Pharts and Sciences.
Golev isn’t the only Colonel correspondent who has been having trouble coming up with articles lately. Senior political writer Ben Norton’s latest piece, which implied that Eli Capilouto had been exposed as the head of a child trafficking ring aimed to increase UK’s diversity, was met with far more head-shakes than smiles. And Kate Miller-Byrne hasn’t completed a piece since last month’s “Jerry Sandusky Blames It On The A-a-a-a-a-alcohol.”
As of press time, sources said that Golev was aggregatedly brainstorming on a blank piece of paper, attempting to combine the results of the recent presidential election, the abuses of Guantanamo, and the wind gusts around Patterson Office Tower, but that he was ultimately distracted by a text message from his friend Rob.