Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will die in a tragic snowboarding accident and immediately regret your life of shameless promiscuity as you are reincarnated as a sea cucumber.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will receive two creepy stares and a miniature Bible on your Thursday walk to class.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Wise men say: only fools rush in. And they are correct; you shouldn’t rush into your decision on marrying Christian Laettner just yet.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The best things in life aren’t things.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
During the progression of one of your classes this week, you will have an irresistible urge to slap a classmate of yours in the face. Don’t do it. You will get your ass handed to you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Jeans or yoga pants? Ultimately, it won’t matter, as the guy you’re trying to impress won’t show up to class.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Years from now, looking back at your college years, you will nostalgically wonder why you never worked up the courage to make out with your pet corgi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
“hahahkdahhahah. skehwyyyy not. illll be there!!!!!!!”. This is a text message you will send at some point this week.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have the type of week that makes you wish you were a sea cucumber.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A Katy Perry look-a-like will walk into Willy T and cause quite a commotion right as you are trying to study for your big anthropology test. You will never enjoy a Katy Perry song again.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You will meet the squirrel of your dreams.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The starting squad of your favorite college basketball team will show up at your house party this weekend and inform you that it fucking sucks.