“K-Lair” To Be Renamed “Something Other Than Commons”

Following a month-wide study of students living in South and Central Campus, University of Kentucky Dining Services is officially on the brink of renaming campus favorite “K-Lair” to “Something Other Than Commons”. According to the study, more than 90 percent of students said that their main reason for visiting K-Lair in a hypothetical situation would be because they needed a change of pace from the food at Commons’ Market. Another 8 percent were Haggin residents claiming that they would visit K-Lair in the middle of a hailstorm or tropical-level rain-shower as to not risk the journey to one of the other on-campus eateries. The final 2 percent claimed that they actually enjoyed the food.

“This has been a decision which has been a long time in the making,” said Dining Services Vice-President of Marketing Operations Mark Stormberg, who has been under pressure lately to redirect some of the traffic present at Commons’ Market to K-Lair. “We’ve been searching for an alternative name for this dining establishment that will be able to better attract the on-campus population.”

According to Stormberg, other names considered have been “An Alternate to Ramen”, “Not Much Worse Than A Week-Old Piece of Pizza”, and “Aunt Suzie’s”.

Freshman Alan Parry weighed in on the move. “Some think that such a superficial move won’t go a long way in improving K-Lair’s popularity,” Parry said, enjoying an average meal of a burrito and chicken fingers at Commons, “but I speak for myself and a good chunk of my floor when I say that we will frequent it way more often once we’re subtly reminded that we don’t have to eat Commons for every single meal.”

Parry added, “Some enjoy Ovid’s, but it just doesn’t fill you up right. You’ll have to consume a wrap for a satisfying meal, but that’s like 2000 calories right there.”

According to psychology professor Mark Huckerby, who was contacted by Dining Services to head the study, the change should be a positive one. He expressed that there should be an influx of customers due to the subconscious effects of the new proposed name. Huckerby also explained that the phrase would work right through the id, bypassing both the ego and superego responsible for rational decision-making.

“By inconspicuously suggesting K-Lair as a substitute to Commons’ Market, which we have scientifically proven results in punishment associations in more than three-quarters of students’ minds, the “Something Other Than Commons” brand name, and/or any stimuli related to it, should force any students deciding to frequent Commons’ Market for a meal to automatically reevaluate their decision.”

Huckerby has also suggested other changes which should make K-Lair more appealing to undergraduates, including offering Natural Light on tap through the soda machines there and adding Raising Cane’s Box Combos to the menu. His most famous contribution to UK dining services so far, however, is last year’s debut of Panda Express.

Huckerby concluded, “Who doesn’t fucking love fast Chinese food?”

As of earlier this week, Dining Services were also considering renaming Blazer “It’s Worth The Walk.”

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