Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do you know what an “endoplasmic reticulum” is? If not, it might be time for you to stop procrasturbating and start studying.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your roommate will have more friend requests, more messages, and way more notifications than you during the course of this week. But the joke will ultimately be on her: you will receive two more heartfelt compliments.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you have blue or greenish-turquoise eyes, something very, very bad will happen to you this week. If not, you’ll be fine.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
An old friend once told you distance makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll be disappointed to learn that she no longer remembers your name.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
There are two types of people: those who talk to random strangers on the morning walk to class and those who spend the rest of their lives in regret. Unfortunately, the stars foresee you being part of the latter group.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
That text message you’re about to receive from your mom? It’s about how your pet lab passed away over the weekend. Delete it as soon as it comes to delay dealing with the emotional distress.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will realize that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but that a hand in the bush is better than either.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Avoid The Lex at all costs unless you want to see something you’ll regret.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Just so you know: the proper response to “What’s cooler than being cool?” is “Ice cold”. Send thank you notes for this piece of advice to the Prophet Teiresias living at the peak of Mount Sterling.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The new Mumford and Sons CD will take you to emotional heights you’d never imagined. It will also take you to the Hall Director’s office for a noise violation.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re about to have the type of week that makes it appropriate for you to receive a whoreoscope.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will escape a near checkmate through a series of clever combinations, but that won’t help you deal with your calc homework. However, Adderall will. Contact the Prophet Teiresias living at the peak of Mount Sterling for discount deals.