Kentucky – The Firstest State

The only vice-presidential debate of the 2012 election season was held in Danville, KY, a few weeks ago. Although the debate turned out to be a great success— in which at least one protestor was (probably) water boarded for having an opinion that was not preapproved—the event was also generally recognized as a glaring oversight on the part of the Ministry of Truth/Commission on Presidential Debates.

Kentucky is by far the most important venue for EVERY presidential debate. While there may or may not be value in the fact that a vice-presidential candidate reveals more about the presidential candidate than the actual platform, Kentucky is snubbed for these debates for precisely the same reason Kentucky is chosen for the vice-presidential debate: the appearance of populism. Let’s face it: Kentucky, to use terminology from political studies, a weird-ass state. Let’s look at some facts here:

– What other state mattered so much in the beginning of our nation’s history, and is now a mere embarrassing distraction from actual events?

– What other state has more registered Democrats than registered Republicans, but is so conservative that only whackjobs like Mitch McConnell and Hal Rogers (or alternatively, squashy mediocricrats like Ben Chandler) to represent the state on the national level?

– What other state worships something as frivolous as college basketball more than Jesus the Decomposed Corpse, but cuts the state education in order to preserve tax breaks for a creationist amusement park centered around Noah’s Ark?

– What other state has produced the likes of Muhammed Ali, Hunter S. Thompson, and Abraham Lincoln, as well as Tim Couch, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Mitch McConnell?

So what can Denver, New York, or Florida, the venues of the Presidential Debates really offer? Everyone knows those places, which makes them allegedly relevant, but undeniably and totally boring. Ergo, Kentucky in 2016 – for ALL the debates forever.

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