WASHINGTON D.C. –
Jesus of Nazareth claims he was the target of a party-wide conspiracy within the Republican Party to stamp out any thoughts he might have had for a political future.
“Reince Priebus approached me one day in Jan. 2011, saying, ‘Now Jesus, I know you’ve had your heart set on this ‘Second Coming’ business, but I don’t think you’re really what the party needs right now,’” said the Son of Man. “I cant really put my finger on why he or the party wouldn’t want me to bear the Republican banner. I mean, I’m freaking Jesus here, y’know?”
Mr. Priebus, Chairman of the Republican Party, denied the claims, stating “We would never shut Our Lord out of the party. After all, we’re the party of God, seeking to bring people together under what we know as Christianity.”
“Besides, who is this person? Why would we care what some touchy-feely, hippie Palestinian has to say?” Priebus said.
Jesus, whose actual political leanings and ethnicity have been mysterious for some time, felt it was time to actually speak his mind after remaining silent for millennia.
“A lot of people are speaking for me these days, and I just wanted to throw my hat in the race to see how the people who speak in My Name will respond to my face. Looks like nobody down there really cares to hear me.”
He then turned a reporter’s bottled water into Franzia and wafted toward the heavens.
No choir of angels was observed, but a kazoo was heard playing in the background.