Good buds Joe Biden and Paul Ryan smoked a post-debate victory blunt following their tense tussle Thursday night. The blunt, skillfully rolled by Biden using the high-quality kush Ryan purchased a couple of weeks ago from Senator Joe Lieberman, helped ease the tension between the two old friends.
“Wow, that debate got heated,” Ryan said as he took a long hit, holding it in for a couple of seconds before letting out a prolonged sigh. “You know I love you, Joe.”
Biden received the fatty from Ryan with a smile and responded, “Love you too, Pauly. I can’t believe things got so intense in there. Shit— for a moment or two, I forgot we don’t actually hate each other.”
Biden and Ryan, who had already prepared eye-drops and a lighting-up hula-hoop for their smoke-out, got flak from the media for continuously interrupting each other and throwing the other’s political party under the proverbial bus during the debate.
“The media always spins shit however they want,” Biden explained to a Colonel reporter. “They can tell you exactly how many jabs I took at Romney’s health care voucher proposal. But can they tell you how Paul and I were taking pulls of Jack Daniels backstage before the debate started? All this talk about harsh feelings is just media-fabricated bullshit.”
“I’ll tell you what, though: I’m just glad I don’t have to use ‘malarkey’ instead of ‘bullshit’ anymore,” Biden added.
The mainstream media has also failed to reveal that Biden and Ryan occasionally go on intimate fishing trips with their combined families in northern Delaware. The two have even been known to sneak out at night for a quick acid trip when they can escape their wives.
Biden and Ryan have been chill with each other for awhile, their friendship spanning back to the time a blazed Biden offered Ryan a hit of his gravity bong during the intermission of a fundraising event in the late ’90s.
The current vice-president and vice-presidential candidate exchanged stories of campaign difficulties while they got high in a small grassy enclave just outside of Centre’s main campus. They also discussed the complexity of life.
“Man, look at all of those stars,” Ryan said dreamily as he stared up into the depths of space. “You think there’s any more life anywhere out there?”
“Man, I don’t know. I just don’t… know,” Biden responded, pausing for a while. Then he added, “I can tell you there’s gonna be some life in my pants later tonight, though. Hahahahaha!”
Other topics the politicians covered post-debate included the best flavor of Starbursts, actual foreign policy, and whether we truly know if the color “blue” isn’t actually the color “green” to other people.
As of press time, Biden and Ryan were still trying to decide whether to stop by Taco Bell or McDonald’s for a late-night meal.