7:30 a.m. – Wakes up to the sound of a 50-piece symphonic orchestra playing in his bedroom.
8:00 a.m. – Changes out of his special Mormon underwear with the assistance of his staff.
8:10 a.m. – Eats breakfast with wife and 17 sons.
8:45 a.m. – Reviews Obamacare policy. Admires that it sounds exactly like something he drafted.
9:30 a.m. – Skips the morning paper in favor of perusing binders full of women.
10:38 a.m. – Meets with his campaign manager. Comprises a thoughtful tweet.
11:11 a.m. – Reminds Paul Ryan that it’s time to make a wish.
12:00 p.m. –Visits a factory to take photos for his upcoming campaign ads. Pretends to care about the working class more than Obama does.
12:30 p.m. – Takes a phone call from the 1980s. Learns that they want their foreign policy back.
1:00 p.m. – Stops by a local park to enjoy some Teddy Grahams™ and apple juice (corporate-sponsored, of course). Decides to take a nap.
12:00 a.m. – Realizes that 47 percent of his entire day has been spent napping. Doesn’t care.
8:00 b.t.* – Wakes up to a fist bump from Michelle.
9:00 b.t. – Considers the 99 problems he has to deal with today. (Hint: bin Laden ain’t one.)
10:11 b.t. – Holds daily debriefing meeting with Oprah.
11:35 b.t. – Approves another drone strike. Wonders why the Middle East hates America.
1:45 b.t. – Practices presidential debate tactics on Bo, the Obama family dog.
2:00 b.t. – Takes the Indian head of state to a local sushi bar to demonstrate how culturally aware the US can be.
3:30 b.t. – Stops by the Oval Office to sign some papers, check some email, and “drop an epic deuce because the hidden Oval Office bathroom is the bomb.”
4:47 b.t. – Helps Sasha and Malia with their homework.
5:20 b.t. – Visits his true home in Kenya.
5:50 b.t. – Sneaks off with Biden to play HORSE.
7:00 b.t. – Prays to Mecca.
8:00 b.t. –Retires to his study to work on a scale model of the Great Wall of China, constructed entirely out of matchsticks.
9:00 b.t. – Tunes in to the latest season of Pretty Little Liars. Takes notes.
* b.t. stands for “Barack time” and refers to the time of day Mr. President thinks it is. When asked why he doesn’t keep standard time, he said, “Because I’m the fucking POTUS.”