WASHINGTON D.C. –
Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein came away with a big win this weekend after competing in the 2012 Presidential Candidate Drink-a-Thon. The contest, sponsored by Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey and J.P. Morgan Chase and Company, was the last chance for the presidential candidates to square off against each other before next week’s election.
The drink-a-thon, a favorite pre-election procedure among liquor-loving voters across the board, also featured incumbent Barack Obama, Republican Mitt Romney, Libertarian Gary Johnson, Constitution Party nominee Virgil Goode, Justice Party candidate Rocky Anderson, and recent ballot-addition Mark Wahlberg.
After three hours of intense alcohol consumption, Stein emerged victorious.
In keeping with tradition, the drink-a-thon began with a power hour, during which each contestant had to take a shot of Budweiser every minute or be forced to answer loaded questions by uncompromising journalists.
The power hour was closely followed by a doubles beer-pong tournament in which each candidate used their vice-presidential running mate as a partner. Stein and running mate Cheri Honkala reached the finals of the tournament but were easily swept away by Obama and Biden, who used their patented ping-drone balls to methodically dominate the table.
Other contests throughout the evening included flip-cup, “fastest shotgun in the west”, quarters, and John Edwards Forty-Hands.
Some speculated before the event that Romney would be at a severe disadvantage having been heretofore prohibited from drinking alcohol by his Mormon faith. However, he confidently accepted the drink-a-thon invitation, stating that his rugged manliness and quick metabolic rate meant he could “outdrink that pussy Obama any day of the week.”
He also admitted to having been tempted by “a few sips of fire-water every now and then.”
The evening started off in dramatic fashion as Johnson was disqualified for vomiting all over himself before the competition even began. Colonel reporters on the scene determined Johnson’s vomiting to be a direct result of the Libertarian witnessing an audience member being arrested for attempting to discreetly smoke a joint.
Amidst protests, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts voted that the letter of the law be adhered to in the drink-a-thon, and that Johnson be disqualified, despite the excruciating circumstances.
Wahlberg was also quickly ousted after attempting to go through the power hour by taking shots of Jack Daniels instead of beer. He passed out and relinquished all chance of winning the contest.
Romney and Obama ultimately came close to winning the drink-a-thon, but they went missing shortly after having forties of malt liquor duct-taped to their hands. Initial reports suggest that the two were last seen making out backstage after learning of their shared passion for either crocheting or croqueting.
Stein was arrested shortly after winning the contest for possessing an open container of alcohol.