General Electric announced on Friday that it is about to unveil an automobile that will be powered by petroleum-based gasoline. The automobile, or “car”, as it may be referred to, will hold roughly four to five people and reportedly max out at a speed of 150 miles per hour. GE’s latest innovation will prove false… Read More GE Invents Automobile That Runs On Petroleum-Based Fuel
Aries (March 21 – April 19) There are two ways out of your current predicament, and both involve purchasing a labradoodle. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your decision to attend a major public school in the South will be reaffirmed as you drunkedly jam out to Wagon Wheel along with the rest of Cane’s.… Read More Horoscope 11/26/12 – 12/2/12
As was feared by a multitude of Wildcats upon Obama’s re-election, the president has announced plans to redistribute students’ accumulated credit hours. The redistribution, which has been researched almost non-stop by a task force put together by Obama within days of his re-election, has been methodically analyzing the UK credit hour structure. Although unpopular among… Read More Credit Communism: Obama To Redistribute UK Students’ Credit Hours
After a hard-fought battle, the Jerusalem Jaguars defeated the Gaza Patriots earlier tonight, beating them 27-20 and crushing their hopes of finally prevailing in the heated rivalry. Despite a fair amount of success for the Patriots on the offensive end, the Jaguars’ staunch defense proved enough to win it in the end. The Jaguars used… Read More Sunday Night Football: Jerusalem Jaguars Top Gaza Patriots
Colonel contributor Atanas Golev has been struggling to come up with a quality feature article. Sources close to Golev claimed that the aspiring satirist has been experiencing a bout of writers’ block spanning approximately 40 minutes now. According to the sources, Golev has been sitting at a table at Willy T for that span of… Read More Satirical Journalist Struggling To Come Up With Good Topic For Feature Article
Haggin Hall resident Arnold Rappaport stated that he is dissatisfied with roommate Jake (Loughlin) in a press conference a few hours ago. A disgruntled Rappaport grumbled that he couldn’t handle Loughlin’s numerous quirks any longer. “It’s bad enough that he says ‘scuse me’ after every time he blows his nose. But now I learn that… Read More Haggin Hall Resident Unhappy With Roommate
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will die in a tragic snowboarding accident and immediately regret your life of shameless promiscuity as you are reincarnated as a sea cucumber. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will receive two creepy stares and a miniature Bible on your Thursday walk to class. Gemini (May 21… Read More Horoscope 11/12/12 – 11/19/12
Just a couple of days after Mitch Barnhart announced that Joker Phillips won’t be coming back with the team after this year, John Calipari has issued a statement that he will be accepting an offer for the position. Calipari, who has a 547-154 record after 20 years as a head coach, has yet to lose… Read More John Calipari Accepts UK Football Head Coaching Job
Following a month-wide study of students living in South and Central Campus, University of Kentucky Dining Services is officially on the brink of renaming campus favorite “K-Lair” to “Something Other Than Commons”. According to the study, more than 90 percent of students said that their main reason for visiting K-Lair in a hypothetical situation would… Read More “K-Lair” To Be Renamed “Something Other Than Commons”
by Kevin Elpenor The UK Kernel came out last month claiming that being tall isn’t as easy as it seems. And while I would wholeheartedly agree with this statement, I would say that those who are simply tall have it a lot easier than a certain group of others. Being tall is certainly a hurdle… Read More Being Tall Might Not Be Easy, But It’s Cake Compared To Being a Tall, Rich, White Male
The UK Colonel 