Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll enjoy a little bit of chicken fried; cold beer on a Friday night.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The acute triangular positioning of Jupiter, Neptune, and Uranus this week suggests that it may be time to for you to lay off of the crystal meth.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Patience is a virtue. On that note, you should definitely not wait until the end of the week to figure out that your roommate has been using your debit card to finance his porn addiction.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
One day in the next week, you’re going to have a really bad hair day. It will be inevitable. And your life will be like so totally over.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The recurring nightmares will not stop until you apologize to your ex for kidnapping their pet guinea pig.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Whatever you do, do not touch the gnome statuette which mysteriously appeared on your kitchen table this weekend. Seriously. Don’t touch it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The stars wish that there was something they could do to help you out with your sad, sad excuse of a love life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Roses are red, violets are blue, and your left eye will be distinctly black after an unfortunate altercation with Joe Biden.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your parents used to tell you that a penny saved is a penny earned. If you had listened to them, you would have a few more dollars left over to pay for the public urination citation you’re about to receive.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Your wildest dreams will come true, assuming that your wildest dreams involve being repeatedly stabbed in the gut.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Daniel Day-Lewis will stop by your house and have an in-depth discussion with you on the film industry and life in general. You will proceed to passionately make out with him. It will be magical.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Nothing significant will happen to you this week.