By Kevin Elpenor
It has come to my attention that the Kentucky Kernel has recently dismissed butt-chugging as an immature and potentially dangerous exercise. They could not be more off-base.
Butt-chugging, the art of pouring wine (for lightweights), beer (for featherweights), or hard alcohol (for those of us who are actually enjoying life) down a tube inserted into one’s rectum, is not only a revered tradition amongst undergraduates, but is also awesome.
If you’ve never tried butt-chugging, here’s a brief description of what it feels like: it feels like what having sex on a roller coaster while consuming a Five Guys burger whilst high on ecstasy would feel like… except even better. I have friends that have compared butt-chugging to learning that you’ve aced your organic chemistry final. I have other friends that have compared butt-chugging to catching the game-winning pass at the last second of a football game. For me, butt-chugging is like peacefully sitting on the side of a beautiful meadow, a tranquil river running over my outstretched toes.
The Kernel implies that butt-chugging could cause “embarrassment or injury.” This is true. Like any other behavior, butt-chugging has to be done responsibly. Take eating chocolate, for example. You eat a piece of chocolate. Delicious. You eat half a bar of chocolate. Yum. You eat a full bar of chocolate. A bit much, but you’re enjoying yourself. You eat five bars of chocolate dipped in a chocolate fountain and wash it down with chocolate milk. Sickness. The lesson here? Butt-chugging, like chocolate-eating, weight-lifting, and masturbating, must be done in moderation.
Are you a butt-chugging amateur? Just take a few shots of whiskey or a single beer the first time. Don’t butt-chug a full fifth of Jack Daniels or two cans of Four Loko. That’s just irresponsible. You’d have high alcohol content no matter how you consumed that. Are you a middle-of-the-road butt-chugger? Try butt-chugging a 40, or maybe a half-pint. Don’t overestimate your abilities. Don’t be the guy that has to head to the hospital because of hubris. Are you the best butt-chugger you know? Never, ever, ever let peer pressure get the best of you. You know your limits; don’t let your friends dictate them just because you feel like looking like a badass for the night.
The Kernel states that all of those who butt-chug have “twisted grins on their faces.” This is actually also true, but not for the reasons that one would expect. Butt-chugging tends to bring most people into such a trance of nirvana that it’s tough for them to keep a straight smile. Why don’t you try not grinning when you’re having so much pleasure run through your body?
Finally, in the comments section of the Kernel article, reader teabagger69 implies that fraternity members must be ashamed of such butt-chugging behavior. However, he know little of the bonds of true brotherhood. As someone closely affiliated with the Greek community on campus, I can attest that you don’t truly know the heart of a brother until you’ve seen him butt-chug. When you butt-chug together with someone else, it’s as if your souls fuse into one. Each of you immediately sees the world from the other’s perspective. It’s a magical experience, and one that I would highly recommend.
So before you write off butt-chugging as typical undergrad tomfoolery, give it a shot. Who knows: you might just like it.