No Alcohol or Tobacco This Weekend on UK’s “Dry,” “Tobacco-Free” Campus

University of Kentucky President Eli Capilouto released a statement this week warning students that, during the tailgating for the football game this weekend, no alcohol or tobacco products are allowed on UK’s “dry” and “tobacco-free” campus.

“A few bad apples made some very negative publicity for the university last weekend. President Capilouto does not want the same to happen this week,” said Jay Blanton, executive director of UK Public Relations & Marketing.

The statement was met by the students with many laughs.

“There’s probably more alcohol concentrated on UK’s campus than anywhere else in the entire city. We’re ready for a nuclear war,” proudly declared UK senior Darion Smith.

“UK’s not dry. That’s a joke,” laughed Sarah Applesauce, UK sophomore.

“This is, uh, just, uh, water,” stuttered a suddenly terrified student, as he pointed assuringly at a clearly-labeled beer bottle.

“Wait, we can’t have tobacco products on UK’s campus?! That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that,” remarked a surprised UK graduate student, Arif Ghazini.

“Are you kidding me? No alcohol. At a football game?! That’s like asking for someone to get his teeth removed without anesthetics,” John Handy, a UK junior, told the Colonel.

No student interviewed was aware of these substance-free policies.

With so many ignorant of the campus policy, the Colonel requested an interview with President Capilouto himself.

“Okay, I admit it. UK’s campus is only ‘dry’ when it’s convenient to say it is,” explained Capilouto.

The University of Kentucky calls itself a “dry” campus. This means that alcohol is not permitted anywhere on its grounds—whether possessed legally or not.

Between 1993 and 2001, the Harvard School of Public Health College Alcohol Study surveyed more than 50,000 student participants from 120 colleges. The survey came to a multitude of important conclusions about the negative impact of alcohol on students, their studies, and their lives, and inspired many schools around the country to go “dry.”

As of the completion of the study, one in three US colleges and universities was dry.

“Yes, I know about the negative health and psychological factors. I know about all the studies. I know about all the science. But, look, I’m the president of a university. Presidents don’t care about science. Science doesn’t make money. It’s PR. It’s all PR. It looks good to say UK’s dry. Parents of potential students are impressed. And that means more money (remember, UK is a business, after all). All you gotta do is make sure that, when you drink, you just do it inside. Or at least put it in a coffee thermos or something.”

The Colonel investigated Capilouto’s claims, and came to similar findings.

“Yes, I think it’s very nice that UK is a dry campus. It makes me feel much better about sending my little Ilene to a big school. I know she will spend her time studying, and not drinking with her friends,” one concerned mother said.

When Ilene was later interviewed alone, and asked what she is most looking forward to in college, she exclaimed, “GETTING HAMMERED.”

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