Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find love in a hopeless place.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You should face your problems this week, instead of running away from them. That is, except for the 400-pound Grizzly bear rapidly approaching you right now.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember that sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug. Unfortunately, no matter which of the two you are this week, you’ll be badly disfigured by a poorly hit golf ball.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your friends drew all over your back this weekend when you were passed out on their couch, but forgot to tell you about it. Get them back by having unprotected sex with their younger siblings.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
The movie Anchorman will finally cease to be funny to you, except for the part where Brick says, “I ate a big, red candle”.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will successfully utilize the small unicycle you found outside of White Hall last Wednesday.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The stars predict that you will fall madly in love with a Taurus shortly before they are mauled by a 400-pound Grizzly bear.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A Barack Obama look-a-like will approach you on the side of Woodland Avenue and engage you in conversation about fiscal policy. Proceed with caution.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will be filled with a multitude of surprises, one of them being that your left leg is being slowly devoured by parasitic worms.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
All of your questions will be answered, including: “Where’s my phone?”; “Why is there grape jelly on my left shoe?”; and “Should I be worried about this older man with an axe sitting behind me?”
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your in-depth knowledge of Canadian politics will finally come in handy, although your knowledge of sex moves will be found to be sorely lacking.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
There are many fish in the sea, but none of them think your new haircut looks good.