Freshman Enjoys Strategically Timed Masturbation Session

Reports have surfaced that freshman Alan Richey held a strategically timed masturbation session in his room in Kirwan 2 between 2:07 p.m. and 2:29 p.m. this Friday. The period of time, painstakingly derived through a mixture of graduate-level statistics and socio-psychological meta-analysis, was meant to optimize the privacy of the session. “My roommate, Zack [Springfield],… Read More Freshman Enjoys Strategically Timed Masturbation Session

Violence Over Austerity Felt Overseas

Rioters protesting Greek austerity measures and the burgeoning Spanish deficit violence have swept American shores, with outrage over unfair labor practices artfully concealed over the Twitter-verse by reference to the spurious dispute between the NFL and its referees. Even Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, noted for his stand-offs with local unions, expressed support, tweeting “After catching… Read More Violence Over Austerity Felt Overseas

Study: 6 out of 6 Dentists Believe that Reading the Colonel Improves Your Dental Health

In a study performed and published by the Colonel earlier this month, six out of every six dentists surveyed agreed that regular consumption of Colonel articles significantly improves dental health. The study, which surveyed a simple random sample of Fayette County dental hygienists, asked the participants to answer “true” or “false” to questions such as: “I… Read More Study: 6 out of 6 Dentists Believe that Reading the Colonel Improves Your Dental Health

Pledges Hazed By Being Forced to Watch UK Game

A thorough report released by UK’s Intrafraternity Council earlier today claims that Pi Delta Delta fraternity pledges were hazed by being forced to attend and watch the UK football game against Mississippi State. The 117-page dispatch claims that the seriousness of the charges is such that an immediate expulsion of the fraternity from campus is… Read More Pledges Hazed By Being Forced to Watch UK Game

UK’s Official Color No Longer Royal Blue; Now Merely Regal Blue

It was made apparent Sunday night, in an early morning (3:27 a.m.) email from university President Eli Capilouto, that rumors of an official university color change are true.  UK’s official school colors have changed from royal blue and white to regal blue and white. The email was sent to the Colonel at approximately 6 a.m.… Read More UK’s Official Color No Longer Royal Blue; Now Merely Regal Blue

Ron Paul Revealed as Secret Anti-Colonial Agent

Verifying GOP paranoia over the infiltration of America by un-American forces, evidence has emerged that paints Ron Paul as a radical anti-colonialist seeking to destroy America by fracturing the most patriotic party in America. Documents detail Ron Paul’s dual membership in the Nation of Islam and the Society for Redistribution for Sons of Liberated Youth… Read More Ron Paul Revealed as Secret Anti-Colonial Agent

UK Sues United Kingdom Over Copyright Infringement

Officials at the University of Kentucky announced earlier this week that legal actions are going to be taken against the United Kingdom on the grounds of copyright infringement.  A spokesperson from the university said that the lawsuit aims to “eliminate the United Kingdom’s blatant disregard for the copy-written university ‘UK’ logo,” adding that, “We were… Read More UK Sues United Kingdom Over Copyright Infringement

Obama: supreme court? ndaa? LULZ. im Prez. i do what i want.

Last night, the Supreme Court, in an almost unanimous vote (you know who dissented), declared the indefinite detention provision of the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) as “blatantly unconstitutional.” “This provision violates virtually every right I could possibly think of. It sweeps habeas corpus under a rug and asks us to forget what happened to… Read More Obama: supreme court? ndaa? LULZ. im Prez. i do what i want.