Three-Day-Old Birthday Cake Unenthusiastically Used As Chaser

By Champ Kaiser

According to sources at the scene, sophomore Dan Weber chased down the last shots of a lukewarm handle of KG with a piece of somewhat stale birthday cake earlier this evening. Reports indicate that the cake belonged to Weber’s roommate, Matthew Cragthorpe.

Sources confirmed that the night of drinking began a little before 9 p.m Monday. Weber, Cragthorpe, and three other housemates had their sights set on consuming the leftover KG and a 24-pack of Natty. The mission took a turn for the worse when the friends discovered that their supply of chasers was rapidly depleting.

“We thought that the Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper we had left from last night would be more than enough, but we didn’t account for mixed drinks or for people chasing before and after the shot,” Cragthorpe said. “Eventually, we had to resort to chasing with milk but Dave spilled that all over the floor in anger when he lost at FIFA and started kicking shit.”

The crew allegedly went through a series of increasingly more questionable chasers, including bottled water, olive oil, and Heaven Hill vodka. They eventually settled on chasing the pulls of KG with pulls of KG, until Weber had had enough.

“I know there wasn’t much left in there, but I was about to be sick if I took another one of those pulls straight,” Weber said. “Then I remembered Matty’s birthday cake.”

The cake, delivered by Cragthorpe’s parents to commemorate their son’s 20th birthday, had been sitting on the top rack of the fridge untouched since Thursday night, when roommate Joe Schmitt stole a couple of pieces without Cragthorpe’s knowledge.

“I told [Weber] he could have the last piece if he really wanted it,” said Cragthorpe. “I didn’t think he was actually gonna go through with it. It looked disgusting.”

As of press time, Weber, Cragthorpe, and Schmitt were all headed toward Tolly Ho.

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