Mass Hysteria Follows UK Football Win

The festive atmosphere following the University of Kentucky football team’s latest win Saturday was overshadowed by a series of aggressive and outrageously dangerous acts of victory celebration by the Wildcat fan base. The Lexington police force had to deal with a multitude of issues, including flipped cars, burned houses, and a Student Center flooded with water, alcohol, and the blood of Louisville fans.

“Me hate Louisville,” said one sophomore as he simultaneously tore off his shirt and broke a fifth of Smirnoff on his own head. When asked to elaborate, he said, “C-A-T-S, CATS CATS CATS!”

Elsewhere on campus, a beleaguered police force had to confront giant mobs of intoxicated and highly belligerent UK students.

“This is easily one of the most terrifying moments of my life,” admitted one UKPD officer, focusing all his efforts on making sure that his cruiser didn’t fall into the hands of a roving band of bloodthirsty fans. “Oh my fuck, I was definitely not expecting this,” he added.

Other officers had to deal with savage mobs carrying pitchforks and torches who were threatening to set the Patterson Office Tower on fire; a student who had commandeered a paddy wagon and was loudly challenging nearby drivers to street races; and students actively tearing off their flesh and then stomping it into the field within Commonwealth Stadium.

“STADIUM FOREVER AND EVER OURS NOW,” screamed one of the participants in the horrifying display, his eyes enraged with both the ecstasy of winning and a bitter hatred of rival football teams.

A few bystanders were unfortunate victims of violence amidst the chaos, whilst others joined in with the mass hysteria on campus.

“We want destroy more things,” growled 52-year-old Michael Bradley, a father of three who had come to tailgate and enjoy the game with his family and friends, but ended up fiercely clawing at the window of Raising Cane’s with a multitude of other UK supporters. “Michael need chicken, then Michael destroy more things.”

Police chief Dave McCarthy stated that Lexington officials did everything they could to dissuade students from such victory celebrations. “We need to prepare better for the next game,” McCarthy said. “We all thought our tweets about game-day safety were going to be sufficient enough to stop all of these problems from happening.”

As of press time, the Lexington-Fayette Urban County Government office building remained under siege.

 

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