First-year students at the College of Law may have been put off to learn that the rendering of the future law school featured on the top-law-schools.com website was merely a pre-2008-financial-crisis pipe dream. However, construction in the parking lot adjacent will soon give students something even better: a new parking lot for the Mineral Sciences Building and Erikson Hall.
“Well, since we are [UK CEO] Eli [Capilouto]’s lowest priority on campus, we often feel left out,” said David A. Brennan, dean of the College of Law, in a phone interview. “And since I’ve never been allowed to meet or contact him, I guess the undergraduate departments were complaining. So, it’s nice to feel like the university cares about us, what with our nearness to other campus buildings.”
Student reactions were mixed. An anonymous first-year stated, “This is pretty exciting, since spending money on us means we’ll get a better ranking.” Since the College of Law’s U.S. News & World Report ranking – tied for 62nd – is so tenuous, the only way for its graduates to be competitive in the depressed legal market is for the university to contribute more money to the school. “If not, well, I guess I can always resort to prostitution,” said the first-year. (Ed. – Nope, he is too fat.)
Upperclassmen were unable to comment, merely weeping softly while surrounded by rejected job applications and loan statements.
CEO Capilouto was also unable to comment, as he had no idea that the university even had a law school. “I thought it [the law building] was just a very large revenue accumulation machine. Huh. Welp, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’ right?!” Mr. Capilouto then proceeded to run off into the night, laughing maniacally. No further statement is anticipated.