The entire African population has been suddenly stricken with an eye floater epidemic. The scale of the spontaneous event is absolutely unprecedented. Each and every individual on the continent has reported seeing strange black blobs, that all claim are oil spills, in nearby bodies of water.
“These people obviously have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Richard Weed, a spokesman for Royal Dutch Shell plc. “They’re obviously just all imagining things. They’re uneducated, stupid, crazy…what else do I have to say? No, really, what else do I have to say?” he added, as he pulled out his wallet, winking sensually.
“They’re all just seeing things,” claimed Lionel Hayes, director of public relations for Exxon Mobil Corporation. “You can’t see oil spills, duh.”
Eye floaters are deposits in the vitreous humor of the eye, a clear gel that fills the space between the lens and the retina, often creating spots in one’s vision.
“What is unusual about this case, though, is that most eye floaters don’t spontaneously develop as we’re seeing in Africa,” said optometrist Jade Dice, O.D. “Most floaters simply gradually develop over time. With age, some people tend to get them. It’s rare to see the development happen overnight. But an entire continent, all at once? That’s just unhea-” The interview with Dr. Dice came to an abrupt end at that point as what seemed to resemble a poison dart suddenly lodged itself in her throat. Her eyes rolled up into their sockets, and her forehead hit the table in front of her with a worrying thump.
When told that the chances of such a phenomenon occurring are infinitesimal enough as to be virtually zero, Arthur Shill, professor of economics at the Wall Street School of Business Hardcore©, responded, “This doctor guy obviously doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” When told that the doctor is in fact a female, Shill shot back, “So what?” and continued to refer to Dr. Dice as though she were a male. He then rather uncomfortably turned back and forth between his left and right, covertly raising his shoulder to his mouth, uttering rapid, inaudible words into what appeared to be a hidden microphone.
Multiple oil spills have been reported in bodies of water in every country on the African continent. In particular, the Nigerian government has reported numerous cases of what were described as “voluminous mounds of toxic petroleum death.”
In response to the Nigerian government’s statement, Shill replied, “These allegations are absolutely ridiculous. These are corporations. Oil corporations. Spilling oil is spilling money. They don’t spill money; they make money. It just doesn’t make sense in market logic.”
Hayes was sent water samples from the African locations in question, yet the official response of Exxon Mobil has still not been received. The individuals responsible for collecting the samples, and then defending them in court, have mysteriously disappeared.
“I don’t have an eye problem. I haven’t had an eye problem my entire life,” said Trude Atyo, a Nigerian librarian. “These people are lying bastards that don’t care about destroying the environment. They’ll bring everyone down with them, as long as they can make a few bucks—well, actually, a lot of bucks—in the process.” Fiscal reports for the last year indicate that Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP, and several other petroleum companies boasted record profits.
“This is not some oil spill. This is anger; this is retribution,” said Robert Dudley, this week’s CEO of BP, in an official statement from the corporation. “This is a sign that God is punishing all those black Africans for their crimes.” When asked what crimes exactly he meant, he merely responded, “That’s redundant,” as he watched child porn on a stranger’s iPhone.
The Colonel tried to set up an interview with a representative from Chevron, but, upon arriving at the primary office, a strange electrical storm killed one of its reporters right on the spot. The author of this article fled and is currently running from a large mass of rich white males in suits. At the time of publication, spears are being thrown around the author’s head. Torches begin to ignite the walls surrounding the author. A thought goes through the author’s head: if the author were to die, the author hopes that someone would find this message and expose the truth to the world. The thought passes. As the author reaches the front door, a strange sound can be made out and an excruciating pain can suddenly be felt in the author’s head, as though