An Average Day in the Life of an Environmentalist Feminist

I feel an overwhelming duty to correct some dangerous misconceptions about what environmentalism and feminism truly mean, in light of lies spewed forth from the bellies of the Slone “Research” Building and Breckenridge Hall (Home of the Woman-Haters) on campus. One too many are the days I’ve been told environmentalists are just individuals concerned about the sustainability and safety of a grand life-sustaining ecosystem or that feminists are our sisters, female friends, mothers, lovers and sometimes even men(I know, right?) who demand equal rights and protection for half the world’s population.

Hopefully a journal entry of mine from yesterday will help you all fully understand what it means to be an environmentalist feminist.

8 a.m – Woke up in my tree. Climbed down and avoided showering, brushing and all other grooming rituals.
9 a.m. – Set tacks down on Rose St. to immobilize all passing cars.
10 a.m. – Skipped class to scream at men who smiled at me or asked me if I was alright as I cried in front of the non-native plants on the way to POT.
1 p.m. – Got distracted from my adviser meeting. Ate local, vegan grass from the soccer field.
1:30 p.m. – Biked quickly to Cinci and blew up a bridge.
4 p.m. – Asked the trees whether I should take advantage of a really Nice Guy I hate or call my girlfriend(who is a lesbian, FYI). The tree didn’t say anything.
5 p.m. – Realized I don’t use electronics and that smoke signals release toxins. Walked to Holmes and nearly broke Nice Guy’s window with pebbles.
7-9 p.m. – censored for excessive depravity
10 p.m. – Prayed to the Goddess. Fell asleep in the ashes of my ritual fire among the sleeping bodies of hundreds of my environmentalist comrades.

Now you know. Environmentalist feminists may seem like normal, functioning UK students but are in reality dangerous terrorists. I may pass in class but I am committed to a much more rigorous set of beliefs than those passed off as mainstream by your environmental “science” and gender “studies” professors.

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