Entire African Population Spontaneously Develops Eye Floaters, Imagines Oil Spills

The entire African population has been suddenly stricken with an eye floater epidemic. The scale of the spontaneous event is absolutely unprecedented. Each and every individual on the continent has reported seeing strange black blobs, that all claim are oil spills, in nearby bodies of water. “These people obviously have no idea what they’re talking… Read More Entire African Population Spontaneously Develops Eye Floaters, Imagines Oil Spills

An Average Day in the Life of an Environmentalist Feminist

I feel an overwhelming duty to correct some dangerous misconceptions about what environmentalism and feminism truly mean, in light of lies spewed forth from the bellies of the Slone “Research” Building and Breckenridge Hall (Home of the Woman-Haters) on campus. One too many are the days I’ve been told environmentalists are just individuals concerned about… Read More An Average Day in the Life of an Environmentalist Feminist

Dems Add Ahura Mazda, Krishna to Platform; Fox News Still Complains They Forgot Ares

At the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday, party leaders facilitated three important platform additions. The first was the inclusion of Ahura Mazda in its official platform. Ahura Mazda is the god of Zoroastrianism, an ancient Persian religion founded sometime around the sixth century BCE by the prophet Zoroaster. The religion still boasts pockets of adherents… Read More Dems Add Ahura Mazda, Krishna to Platform; Fox News Still Complains They Forgot Ares

Akin Learned Biology from Teeth, History from Inglourious Basterds

In a mid-August interview with St. Louis television station KTVI-TV, Rep. Todd Akin (R) claimed that in cases of “legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Controversy erupted and international condemnation from medical experts ensued, yet Akin maintains his stance on the subject. “This isn’t about science.… Read More Akin Learned Biology from Teeth, History from Inglourious Basterds

Mass Hysteria Follows UK Football Win

The festive atmosphere following the University of Kentucky football team’s latest win Saturday was overshadowed by a series of aggressive and outrageously dangerous acts of victory celebration by the Wildcat fan base. The Lexington police force had to deal with a multitude of issues, including flipped cars, burned houses, and a Student Center flooded with… Read More Mass Hysteria Follows UK Football Win

President’s Hatred of America the Reason He is President… Obviously – A Review of 2016: Obama’s America

Times have changed in this country – women are working outside the home, atheists are kicking Christian babies in the face, Communists are no longer shot on sight, and an African-“American” man is in the Oval Office. Since he was elected in 2008, Barack Obama has thanked the American public by imploding this country from… Read More President’s Hatred of America the Reason He is President… Obviously – A Review of 2016: Obama’s America

Paris Hilton: New Jeans “DEFENETLY Worth Deth of 300 Pakistans”

On Sept. 12, more than 300 Pakistani workers died in a fire in a garment factory. The factory had no fire exits, and many of the doors were locked. More importantly, however, Paris Hilton has come out with an official statement on the incident. Writing on her blog last night, Hilton stated, “i dont care like wut… Read More Paris Hilton: New Jeans “DEFENETLY Worth Deth of 300 Pakistans”

Law School Parking Lot Renovated for Sake of Everyone Else

First-year students at the College of Law may have been put off to learn that the rendering of the future law school featured on the top-law-schools.com website was merely a pre-2008-financial-crisis pipe dream. However, construction in the parking lot adjacent will soon give students something even better: a new parking lot for the Mineral Sciences… Read More Law School Parking Lot Renovated for Sake of Everyone Else