Haggin Residents Protest Demolition Plans

Haggin residents gathered in the Haggin courtyard yesterday to protest news of the residence hall’s demolition scheduled for next year. On-scene reporters confirmed that hundreds of angry, bewildered freshmen showed up to defend their beloved home. Haggin Hall, also known around campus as Shaggin’ Hall, Heaven Hall, and the Dick Dungeon, has been a staple in the central campus community for the past five decades.

“This is unacceptable,” said Reggie Thornbush, an economics major. “I speak for myself and everyone here when I say that Haggin has offered us more room, comfort, freedom, and vomit-covered toilet seats than any other place of residence could have possibly done.” Thornbush added, “The cockroaches in the showers were a slight negative, but in the grand scope of the experience, they were totally worth it. I even introduced myself to a few of them and they turned out to be alright guys.”

When asked about their favorite memories of Haggin Hall, other students offered up details such as the occasional hall-wide programs, the absence of female residents, and the strict visitation policy. “For me, having no girls nearby to flirt with was actually an added bonus to the experience,” said freshman Kevin Greene. “I usually get way too distracted with girls running around the place. Haggin has given me the opportunity to pursue my academic goals and stamp collection without any distractions. The lack of quality Internet connection also helps.”

Faculty members also showed up to defend the cause. Architecture professor Frank Rikard appeared particularly concerned about the artistic repurcussions that would be caused by a demolition of the building. Haggin Hall was built in 1959 by prison architect Jeo Pronne and remains one of the best modern examples of neoclassical shithole-ism. “Haggin Hall is an architectural and social landmark. Where else in modern times would you have students actually living in a perfect example of a neoclassical shithole? There is so much to learn from this place,” Rikard said.

When confronted with news of the protest, UK administrators were reluctant to respond as to whether they would follow through with the scheduled demolition of the building. However, Board of Trustees member Jason Hunt offered a few words of hope to disgruntled students: “We care about these students enough to keep them out of rooms the approximate size and design of a prison cell, so we clearly also care about them enough to take their opinion on this issue into account.”

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