UK Baseball Player, Accused of Canadian Citizenship, Sues University

LEXINGTON—A little more than a week after University of Kentucky standout pitcher James Paxton filed a lawsuit against his university, a startling leak from the NCAA investigative team handling the case may change the course of this unprecedented clash between student athlete and imperial power.

According to documents that surfaced after a janitorial staff member at the Indianapolis Marriott Hotel foraged through lobby trash cans, Paxton was to be summoned by collegiate officials because he was suspected as a student sympathetic toward “Canadian ideology,” in the memo’s parlance.  The janitor, who was not identified by the Marriott Hotel, turned his find over to the Associated press.

“Of course I’m sympathetic to Canadian ideology, or whatever that means,” said Paxton, who hails from Ladner, British Columbia.

Paxton found himself in an adversarial relationship with the University of Kentucky when the NCAA demanded to interview him.  Paxton refused, saying that he wouldn’t speak with the NCAA unless UK Athletics Department officials revealed to him why he was being questioned.  UK in turn refused to tell Paxton why he was being questioned by NCAA officials and threatened to remove him from the baseball team.

University of Kentucky senior James Paxton was to be censured by the NCAA for being a Canadian. “Socialism anywhere is a threat to free markets anywhere,” NCAA officials said.

“After a regrettable and protracted process of dickering around with Paxton, we’re saddened to learn that all of this is about his national allegiance and proclivity to act like a Canadian,” said UK Athletics Director Mitch Barnhart Friday, after the Marriott documents had surfaced.  “Paxton just doesn’t get that we’re the boss.  He should have listened.”

The Indianapolis leak may be the biggest gaffe in NCAA history.  Evidently, a team of careless investigators from the agent, gambling, and amateurism committee had planned to censure Paxton because he was Canadian.

“Let’s make a list of things we hate about Canadians:  their accent, socialism, awkwardness, fashion, and irrational fixation on hockey,” said Chance Miller, who refused to budge after the xenophobic memo was released.  “Why UK couldn’t be forthright with Paxton is a matter I just can’t reconcile.”

Barnhart and UK Spokesperson Dewayne Peaved admitted that they were a little gun shy when the NCAA investigators came knocking, and so they may have been wrong in refusing to tell Paxton why he was in trouble.

“Being Canadian may have cost him his scholarship, but it’s a minor infraction that wouldn’t have put the program in jeopardy,” Barnhart said.  “Nevertheless, the obstinate young Canuck should have just listened to us and done what he was told.  Now he’s in for the fight of his life.

Paxton’s baseball career is in limbo until this legal fiasco gets worked out.

“Canadians aren’t dirty people,” Paxton said.  “I just want to be vindicated.”  Paxton hopes to continue playing with UK this season.

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