UK Football Team Hires In-House Attorneys to Ward Off NCAA Officials

LEXINGTON—Hobbled by his team’s recent legal troubles, UK Head Football Coach Rich Brooks announced that the Athletics Association has hired a full-time, in-house team of legal representatives to assist the flagship football program in protecting its athletes. With the hires, UK becomes the first SEC school to have its own legal representation, specifically dedicated to bailing out star players.

“When I heard about Curtis Pulley and Will Fidler, my blood pressure shot through the roof,” Brooks said. “These athletes and their erratic behavior are collectively dismantling the house of cards on which my support of the scholar-athlete is built. Now it’s all just empty rhetoric.”

Brooks’s health degenerated badly last week when he learned that Will Fidler, a UK sophomore QB, was arrested after getting into a fight outside of a Lexington establishment. Fidler was charged with disorderly conduct. The arrest came just days after the blue-chip Curtis Pulley got pulled over and charged with traffic violations.

Photo courtesy of Dawg Sports

Photo courtesy of Dawg Sports.

“These are just some fine young men who have made some very questionable choices,” said Mitch Barnhart, UK Athletic Director. “Now, thanks to our dedicated team of legal advisors, neither drug possession, nightclub brawl, nor traffic violation shall separate our players from the Commonwealth Stadium turf.”

The UKAA attorneys join the university staff at an opportune moment, as the NCAA looks to barrel down the program’s throat once again.

“We just cannot afford to have any more scholarships taken away and have any more sanctions imposed on us,” Brooks said in a hospital bedside press conference. “We’re still trying to recover from the infamous paper writing scandal,” he added.

UK enjoyed unprecedented success in the 2007 season, winning its second straight Music City Bowl and beating its rival, the University of Louisville, and the top-ranked LSU Tigers. Now, Brooks hopes that his condition will stabilize in time for the thick of SEC competition in 2008.

“I see these bad decisions my peers have made, and I think, ‘now this is a great opportunity,’” said Mike Hartline, UK’s heir-apparent-by-default to former QB Andre Woodson. “I just hope the offensive line has done its homework.”

UK expects that its SEC competitors will take cues from the strategic hires and bring on in-house legal teams of their own.

“I could see how a program like Florida or Georgia would also benefit from having their own attorneys,” said Brooks.

The University of Florida football program has been riddled by miscreant players for some time now. In 2007, nine members of the Gator football squad were arrested.

According to one contact with the UK football program, the legal staff is already mounting a case against the city of Lexington that would potentially exonerate Fidler and restore him to the team.
“I’m pretty sure that another season of watching our offense flounder won’t help my heart condition,” Brooks said. “We need these talented, well-selected representatives.”

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